Cuddy's Journal
by Wonderful Bitch
Summary: This is a Journal I wrote from Cuddy's point of view. I'm doing them as one entry per chapter, some of the entry's will only be a sentence or two
1. Chapter 1

4/9/2013

Today House came into my office like usual. This time he wanted to kill a patient. He's so stupid! He grabbed my letter and read it, now he know's I'm trying to be a mother. I think I hurt his feelings when I was going to ask Wilson to be the father and not him. I just didn't want to get disappointed when he said no… but I can't tell him that. He tries to push me around. It's so idiotic of him, but it works. Like today he looked hurt when I told him about it, so I asked him to be the father. I only said it half seriously so that he wouldn't feel pressured into saying yes, and so that I wouldn't seem as hurt when he said no. Which he did. And now he's giving me the clomid shots for the in-vitro. But anyways, he said "Hell no! I don't need a little devil to remind him we haven't been together." That made me sooo nervous and apparently he could tell because he got closer to me and started saying things to me to try to get me more nervous. It worked, and I tried not to let him tell, but then he took my pulse and when he touched me I gasped. He noticed, I'm so embarrassed! He could tell I was a little turned on too, and I don't know how. I hope it's not that obvious when I'm turned on. That'd be so embarrassing!


	2. Chapter 2

5/6/2013

! I'm so mad at House! I was going to ask Wilson to donate sperm for my baby, but when I went to his office I heard part of a conversation. It went something like this:

"I know she's hot but she's not hot enough for you to grow some humanity. What did you find out?" -Wilson

"She doesn't want to have sex. I know that. It's not a date," -House

"It's a friday night! And who says we need to have sex on the first date! Just tell me what you found out." -Wilson

"Fine. She…" -House

Then I cut him off and I yelled at House. I overreacted and I know it seeing as how I was going to tell Wilson anyways, and House knows it too, but it still hurt me. If he could shut up about it a for a while I think I would've asked him out. I love him so much and it hurts so bad sometimes.


	3. Chapter 3

6/3/2013

My father came over today…


	4. Chapter 4

7/27/2013

House is being an ass! Worse than usual. He wouldn't stop yelling at me for not giving him permission to do an unnecessary surgery on a child. It was worse than usual. So bad he made me cry. He said, "Obviously you couldn't be a mother, you have no maternal instincts. You're body even knows you couldn't do it!"

I think I'm pregnant again. This is going to mess up everything!


	5. Chapter 5

9/14/2013

House kissed me. He kissed me! Kissed me! I don't know why, but he did. I'm so happy!

My father just came over again… I think he nicked something this time. I should really check that out. Damn. I need stitches. How the hell will I explain this to a doctor?! I would have to report it to the police. I have to cover this up. I'm calling Cameron. She works in the E.R. She should be ok at this… No? I'm freaking out.

She came. She gave me the stitches, but she won't leave. Now she's reading over my shoulder. I'm writing everything you do Cameron!

"House kissed you?" I'll write my response too.

"Uh… Yeah. Can you…" She just cut me off.

"Your Dad!?"

"Father." She took my journal! I just got it back!

"Cameron, that's my personal journal! If I wanted people to read it I'd publish it!"

"Your dad visited the next entry you thought you were pregnant."

"Not related. I've been taking Clomid, got drunk and had sex. Unprotected sex."

"This is going to mess up everything? And why is all you had to say about your dad coming is that he was visiting? And 'My father just came over again… Damn. I need stitches?"

If you're still reading over my shoulder I'm not responding.

"Then write it down."

No. I'm not going to.

"Why not?"

Because I don't want you to know.

"Who do you want to know?"

No one.

"House?"

Why would I want that?

"Because you love him"

No. I don't.

"You do. It says it in your journal."

No.

"What about that drawings in the front? Not only do you like him you want to have sex with him."

Shut up.

"You're a really good artist. And you love House."

"Thanks. And I don't. And even if I did I wouldn't want him to know."

"I don't believe you. You kissed him back, didn't you?"

"I like kissing."

"You love him."

"I love kissing. Thank you. Now please leave."

"You know I can't. Not until and unless you give me a good reason to leave. Like telling me why you self aborted. You're a doctor for gods sake! You know I have to get the police involved if you don't."

"I didn't self abort."

"You have fresh wounds in your vagina that says otherwise. And old ones too for that matter. And a journal that says your Dad nicked something."

"Yeah, a cabinet! And my father."

"Why do you keep doing that?"

"Doing what? Denying that my father did something to me a father shouldn't be doing? Because he didn't."

"Well that, but this. Your Dad."

"What about my father?"

"Why are you still writing everything we say? And doing that. Every time I say Dad you automatically say father."

"Because this is a conversation that needs to be remembered."

"Why?"

I'm not even kind of looking at you anymore.

"Why not?"

Because I don't want to see your reaction. Or tell you.

"Tell me what? I won't judge if it is something bad."

I My For years.

"What for years?"

He I Rape.

"Your father?"

I Yes.

"Can I hug you?"

No!

"Why not?"

Because you feel sorry for me.

"It's something to feel sorry about. It's sad that men like that exist."

So? I don't need sympathy.

"You can't even say it allowed?!"

I can. I just don't want too. Now will you leave please? And I don't want anyone to know.

"Why not?! Someone could help you! And I'm not leaving."

No one could help me.

"Dr. Cuddy, someone could help you. Why don't you think anyone could?"

Because. They couldn't.

"Pretend for a minute you were a doctor with a victim thinking like this. What would you say?"

I don't deal with rape cases.

"Pretend you do."

At least you aren't having his baby anymore.

"Cuddy!"

Cameron!

"If you're going to mock me do it out loud at least."

No.

"Do you want to know why I think you don't want help?"

Nope. I'm fine without your opinion.

"Well too bad. I think it's because if he's not found guilty you think he'll escalate."

I'm fine. I promise I didn't mean to get an abortion, or hurt for that matter. You can leave.

"Is that why you don't want to tell? Because you think he'll escalate?"

You can leave. I won't hurt myself.

"Cuddy, you know the law says I can't leave this alone."

You've worked with House. You don't always follow the law.

"Cuddy, answer my question."

No.

"Why not?"

I'm looking up at you and frown seeing your reaction to my tearstained face. That's why.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to look at you like that."

I know.

"But people who will understand could help."

Once I had a boyfriend. I told him. He left me. He called me a liar, attention seeking, I just wanted a reason not to have sex with him. My Father broke my leg. Don't say anything.

"Once you had a boyfriend?"

I've only ever had a one boyfriend.

"You've never made love?"

Really?

"That wasn't love."

No. I've only ever been with him. Just incase you can't tell I'm frowning. And I'm guessing your next question and the answer is yes.

"What was my next question?"

You're the first person who's not in my family who has seen my personal area.

"Why would I ask that?"

I don't know. But I figured you would.

"Why haven't you had a gynecologist?"

Because I haven't.

"Why not?"

I don't want one.

"Why not?"

Because I don't want people seeing my vagina, ok?

"You trusted me to be the first person to see it?"

I'd prefer if it was someone else no one did…

"Who?"

No one. I'd prefer no one to see it.

"House?"

NO!

"I can see you blushing. It's definitely House."

No. I'd prefer he'd never see it. He's an ass.

"But you love him."

Shut up. He's an ass. I don't want to have sex with him. Or anyone.

"You love him."

I don't and even if I did I don't want to have sex.

"What about those borderline pornagraphic drawings you made of you with him?"

Shut up. And can you go now?

"No."

Why not now? I told you why. And I'm not pregnant anymore so he won't come back to do it again.

"What if he does?"

That's my business. I can handle it.

"Like you could handle this?"

I've done it before.

"You have? How many times?"

Three other times. Go away now. Please. I'm tired.

"Go to sleep then."

And have you reading the rest of my journal?! No way in hell.

"Unless you have old ones and you tell me where they are I won't be able too. You've only had like 4 entries in this one."

I have more. But I'm not telling you where. Go home.

"Fine but I'm calling the police then."

NO!

"Why not?"

He'll know.

"Yeah, he'll know because he'll be in jail."

Everyone else will know too.

"When you said he'll know you didn't mean your father did you?"

Yeah I did.

"No you meant House!"

If you tell him I'll kill you.

"So you did mean House?"

I don't want my relationship with him to change. Not a word.

"You love him."

I said not a word.

"But you do. And you're afraid if he knew he wouldn't love you back."

Shut up.

"He'd still love you if he knew."

He doesn't now.

"Cuddy he does! Have you seen the way he looks at you?"

Have you heard the way he talks to me? He acts like I'm under him.

"He wants you under him."

Really? You want to go there?

"Sorry. He loves you though."

He talks to me like I'm stupid. You don't talk to someone you love like that.

"He talks to everyone like that. He's an ass."

I know.

"He loves you. He kissed you. Didn't he?"

So? He's done more with lots of women.

"But he wasn't employed by them."

And?

"He loves you."

You don't know that.

"You don't either."

Exactly. Now will you leave?

"No. I can't leave. Not without reporting it."

This was off the books, right?

"Yeah… and?"

So no one knows why you're here. You don't have to say anything.

"But I do."

You don't. I don't want anyones help.

"You called for mine."

That was different.

"Well you need help. I'm calling."

"Please don't!" Please!

"Saying it out loud doesn't help."

"Cameron, please. I don't want help. If I do I'll call for help. I can handle myself just fine."

"If he ever touches you again tell me. Ok?"

"Ok. Thank you. I'll see you at work."

"See you , can you put a picture of me in here? I wanna see how you do it."

"Thanks. That's pretty cool."

"I'm not that good."

"Yeah, you are."

She left. I hope she doesn't tell anyone. If she does then my life is over. I could never go to work again after that! I could never see my friends, my Father would be behind bars, which is good, but then my sister with know. My mom would never talk to me again. I hope she doesn't say anything.


	6. Chapter 6

10/7/2013

Can't he just leave me alone! It's only been a month! He says he's coming over Friday. I'm an idiot. I told House everything. He's in my room now. In my room! I kind of hope something happens, but I don't either. Maybe he'll kiss me again! But maybe he'll want more too… I don't know how I would react if he tried. I should probably go back in there, he thinks I'm going pee.


	7. Chapter 7

10/8/2013

I don't know what happened last night. This is what I think happened. I know I said he could sleep in my bed with me. And I know I got changed in front of him… I mean I wasn't facing him… But I did it. I was wearing something a little slutty too. I was wearing the green nightgown, that shows my nipples a little. I don't know what I was thinking. It was so stupid of me! Then he kissed me later. Later, I don't know if I was asleep or not for this but he said he loved me! Then we were… together. I think that was a dream though. For some reason he doesn't hate me even though he knows, but I doubt he loves me. And I hope I'll be positive that I actually had sex my first time with House. I hope I didn't. I want to know, but I can't ask him! If we did it'll hurt him if I didn't remember, and if we didn't I'll never live down a wet dream with House! He wouldn't let me live it down. I guess I'll find out if he tries again.

Are you fucking kidding me! I JUST got out of the bathroom! My father was here again! He made me do it again. I called House and he got here, but not on time… He came in in the middle of it. I was half naked and crying! I've never been more scared and embarrassed at the same time. He's still somewhere… I don't know where. He brought me in here then went back out. I have a cut lip and a black eye. House is coming back. Shit I haven't even put pants on yet!

Great! There was a police officer too! He called the cops! Now everyone will know! I can't live with that. I don't want to live with that. I can't stay, and I can't leave. Whenever someone looks me up they'll see what my dad did to me before anything else. I'd almost rather not live at all. My friends will know, and they might leave. And if they don't they'll never be the same around me again. And House… he knew, but it's different when you see. It's so much more scary, more real. I don't know how he'll respond. I hope he doesn't leave. I need him. Not that I'd ever want him to know that. He's coming back now…

No! No… He stole my journal… Now he knows everything. How I feel… The things I never wanted anyone to know. Going to write everything he says. And now he's reading over my shoulder. Why does everyone do that?

"You write in here more than you tell me."

Maybe that's because I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

"You love me?"

Stop.

"You were going to ask me out?"

Shut up.

"You don't know if we had sex or not last night?"

"Shut Up House!"

"We didn't."

"Good… I mean. Ok."

"Good?"

"Well… I mean…" I just want to be able to remember it. And I want to be ready. I'm not ready for sex yet.

"Oh. Ok. But you had a dream about it. You dreamed I'd be with you."

Shut up!

"I like it. I like that you had a dream about me touching you."

"Shut up!"

"Do you want me too now?"

"NO!"

"Why not?"

Because I'm not ready. And we aren't even dating.

"We could be, if you wanted too. I'm not going to stop talking to you because your dad is an asshole. That's not your fault."

Are you asking me out?

"Do you want me too?"

Just answer the damn question.

"Cuddy will you go out with me?"

"Yes! Wait… Do you really want too? Or do you just want to make me feel better? You don't have too."

"Have I ever tried to make you feel better without benefiting myself Cuddy?"

"You're answering my question with another question. You only do that when you don't want to answer the question."

"Cuddy, I like you. I want to date you."

"Why… I didn't mean to say that out loud…"

"You're amazing. Don't you know that? Why wouldn't I want to date you?"

Because I'm messed up. I'll always be messed up.

"And I'm not?"

No. You aren't.

"Then you aren't."

You have experience. I don't. You know what to do no matter what you do. I don't always know what to do. You're always so confident. You'd never let something bad happen to you when you can control it.

"You really blame yourself for that?! That was no one but your father's fault!"

He used ME. I could have stopped him. Resisted. I could have done something to stop him. I could have run away. I let it happen.

"Cuddy you can't really believe that! He used you. You couldn't have controlled that. It's the abusers fault not the victims."

Tell that to everyone who's known and left my life because of it. They blame me, why shouldn't I? I mean it was my body.

"Cuddy no one blames you! No one you need to think about anyways."

My mom will blame me!

"Then she doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you."

Everyone will know…

"Screw what they think."

It matters to me!

"Well that's a problem. Just don't let anyone find out."

How? I can't stop people from using google! The arrest report will be online. When you search my name it'll be the first thing that comes up. I don't want that!

"You don't want to live like that. You almost don't want to live? You aren't thinking about suicide?"

Almost don't want to live. I'm fine. I won't kill myself. I know better, I'm not an idiot. I might not be happy but I'm not that depressed either.

"Why did you put that down anyways?"

Because it's how I feel and no one else was supposed to read my personal journal! Why did you take it anyways? No one is supposed to read it!

"Journal? More like Diary. Oh and I really like the drawings in the front. You're an amazing artist. Is that really what you look like almost naked? It's sexy. Did you want me to see you that close to nude? Why shouldn't I read it? It's almost all about me anyways."

Shut up. It's not all about you.

"Most of it is!"

Not all of it. And it's not my fault you annoy me the most.

"House kissed me. He kissed me! Kissed me! I don't know why, but he did? That doesn't sound very annoyed. And you don't look very annoyed in those drawings. You look sexy, and exited but not annoyed."

Shut up.

"Do you want to know why I kissed you?"

No I want you to not know I don't know why! I want you to not know what my father did to me. I want you not to know Cameron had to come over and help me. I want you not to know how I feel about you. I want you not to know about the drawings. I want you not to know how I feel about the police. I want you not to know I had a wet dream about us. I want you not to know about anything in here!

"Well I do. And I still like you. I kissed you because I wanted to know if you'd kiss me back. And you did."

So what? I wish you didn't know anything about me.

"Why not? I mean… Never mind. I can leave you alone."

"House, no! That's not what I mean."

"Then what the hell did you mean?!"

"I meant I wish you only knew what I want you to know. I'm messed up. I don't want you to know how messed up. You know more of it than I want you too."

"I don't care. I like you anyways. I don't care how messed up you are."

It matters to me. I'm too messed up for you to love like me.

"You aren't."

Sometimes my dad would use me, and I it would the sex…

"What about it?"

It felt… not bad…

"So what? Sex shouldn't hurt."

"It shouldn't be with your father either!" It shouldn't feel ok when he touches me. He has no right to touch me! He shouldn't have made it not hurt all the time! I shouldn't have felt good. Ever. Even occasionally.

"It's ok Cuddy. It's not your fault. He shouldn't have done it at all."

"Don't touch me!"

"I'm sorry… I didn't realize…"

"Yeah. I know. But don't."

"Ok… Do you want to stay here or go to work?"

"I want to go to work."

"Ok."

"Go away."

"Fine. I'll be in your room."

"Fine."

Why does he have to yell at me! I didn't WANT him to read the journal! I'm a grown woman, what I do isn't his business anyways! He's always scolding me for my life choices. Like he has anything to do with them… I mean he does but he doesn't get to make them for me! He can't ever say, "Oh thats good for you Cuddy." Or "Congratulations." He has to make sure he's an ass instead. On another note, HE ASKED ME OUT! I can't say yes, Can I? I mean I could mess up everything by doing that. What if we don't last? What if he tries to go to far? What if he reads my journal again? What if I say or do something stupid and he hates me for it? What if I do something to please him and I hate myself for it? I can't do that again. I don't want to hate myself. It just kind of happens, and it's so hard to get out of. I should probably get ready now.

Great. I was pregnant with in vitro and I had a miscarriage today, and I didn't notice until I was making out with House and Wilson came in. Now they both know everything. I couldn't say it was just my period because I started to cry when I noticed. And House was trying to convince me that I was pregnant the whole ride to work. He was so cocky when he found out he was right. It's stupid, but cute. I decided that I'm not going to go out with him, not yet anyways. He asked to stay over though, and I said yes. Yesterday when he slept over he tried not to let me see his leg. I think he's ashamed of it even though it's all my fault that it even exists.


	8. Chapter 8

10/12/2013

I'm so stupid! House and I aren't even dating and I had him over, he's spent the last couple days over, I don't know why he wants too but he does. Well he went through my stuff and found my Fruit Loops box. He opened it and saw my toys! I'm going to die of embarrassment! He didn't look through it, luckily, because I have pictures of him in there and I would never live that down. And he might be mad at me too. I hope he never looks through it. But I also feel like he will regardless of my hopes. He doesn't care how it affects someone, which drives me crazy about him, but I still really care about him.


	9. Chapter 9

10/17/2013

I know it's weird that I keep letting him stay over for so long, but I do. It helps me more than I would ever admit to him. I want to date him but I don't want to loose what we have. And I think It's really fragile as it is. But I don't know if it needs a change or if a change would break it. If I blow my chance with him I'll hate myself and I hate that feeling. I don't know how to not blow it though. And there's no one I could really ask and expect a real answer. My mom probably isn't talking to me, Julia would laugh at the aspect of me not knowing what to do, I am the older sister after all. I can't ask House because that would be counterproductive. I can't ask Wilson, he's been trying to get us together since I leaned on House to help tell him about my father. I can't ask one of the girls on the team because Thirteen would probably laugh and Cameron is Cameron.


	10. Chapter 10

10/20/2013

I've decided to ask him out. He said yes! I can't believe it. I mean, he's so… and I'm so… I hope it works out for both of us. I feel like it's one of those relationships where it's either going to last forever or go down in flames. I hope it lasts forever, but I don't know that it will. He's just such an ass sometimes and I think I'll expect more of him, but I shouldn't. I like him the way he is.

Oh My God! He just pulled me onto his lap! I mean… It was nice. I can't believe he did that though! Then he put me down. Which was ok. But then he did something so embarrassing! He found my porn movies and he played one. WITH ME STILL ON HIS LAP! I couldn't get off, he wouldn't let me. I got a little turned on by everything and he could tell. And he wouldn't leave. I'm an idiot. I decided that I was fine with that and I'd just lock my door and masturbate there. And I did. He heard me… He against the wall between my bed and him and listened to me. I tried to be quiet, but I've always screamed when I orgasm. And he was way more visibly erect after that than before, without watching the movie, which was also embarrassing. He came in after smirking at me. And I didn't really mind! I'm taking a shower now, it's heating up. He ordered a pizza.

He's making me go to the psychiatrists now. I don't need one, but he's still making me go. I cut myself in the shower for being so slutty and watching porn and masturbating around him and then my robe came untied and he saw my whole body, including the cut on my thigh. He got so mad at me! I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about and he came over to me and ripped open my robe and pointed at the cut so angrily… I was frozen with fear and there were tears rolling down my face. He looked so mad at himself when he realized he frightened me that I felt bad for making him feel like that to himself. He said I could hit him, and he was so confused when I didn't. I want to know what happened to him that that would be a reasonable solution to him. But anyways he said I could and I took his hands and put them around my hips and hugged him. He didn't know what to do. It was sad. I want to know who did that too him.


	11. Chapter 11

11/3/2013

House made me an appointment with Dr. Nolan. He said he'd come with me if I wanted, and I said yes. I don't know if that was the right decision or not though. I mean I don't want to talk anyways, and anything Dr. Nolan has a chance of knowing House already knows.

We went and House did most of my speaking. And I guess it's obvious that we like eachother because Dr. Nolan kicked out House and asked me if I loved him. Then he kept asking me questions, that ended up leading to him finding out I've never had sex willingly. But I wouldn't let him pursue that. Then I let House back in. He still ended up finding out about it, he just used a different path and House wouldn't let me change the subject.


	12. Chapter 12

11/27/2013

House and I are dating. It's been a little more than a month. He really want's me. But I don't know if I'm ready. I mean, I want him too, but I don't know what it will be like and I'm scared. I'm scared that it will be the same as it was with my father, but I'm scared it won't be at the same time. We kiss a lot and that's really nice… And he likes sex and if I keep him waiting too long he'll probably leave me. I don't want him to leave me. BUt I don't want to feel pressured into sleeping with him either. It's sooo frustrating that I can't talk about this with anyone and expect them to understand. Not that I'd be close enough to anyone to actually tell them about my sex life anyways.


	13. Chapter 13

12/10/2013

He just tried to take my clothes off! I don't know if I'm mad or happy about that, but he did. I stopped him. He feels so bad. Or seems like it anyways. We were kissing and I can see where he was coming from, and I did let him get a little closer than usual, he touched my breasts a little. It felt really good. But when he tried to pull off my shirt it was too much for me. I stopped him and he looked like he just killed a puppy. I almost wanted to apologize to him. He didn't know. I was reacting to over my shirt so why not under? I can't even explain it never mind expect him to. I've been trying to get used to the idea of being with him. I mean I love him and he says he loves me too. And I like talking to him, kissing him. I want to, but I want it to be special, different. Exiting, good. I think that I want to try on Christmas. And I'll put some roses and other romantic stuff around in my bedroom. I'll wear something sexy. I want it to be perfect. I know better than that, but I can always dream, right?


	14. Chapter 14

12/25/2013

I chickened out. I couldn't do it. At least I didn't let him know what I wanted to try. We had a nice night anyways. I mean we didn't have sex, but we has a few nice kisses and we exchanged gifts and we made a nice dinner. We still haven't told anyone we are dating, not even Wilson knows. I don't want anyone to know yet and neither does House.


	15. Chapter 15

1/16/2014

I'm at Houses house. We're watching a movie. But anyways, I think I'm ready to try. I mean it's been a few months with him and I think I'm ready to take that step.

I tried. But as soon as House took my bra off Wilson came in! He couldn't see me thank god, but he saw my shirt when he went to leave. Which was worse because House and Wilson had a conversation something like this.

"Oh god! House!" -Wilson

"Wilson! Hooker! Costs more with you here! Get out!" -House

"Sorry." The he went to leave "Nice shirt for a hooker." -Wilson

"Get out!" -House

"Haven't I seen this shirt around somewhere?" -Wilson

"Yeah it's your moms." -House

Wilson laughs "Have fun Cuddy." -Wilson

At which point I'm blushing like crazy and grab my bra from House and put it back on then wait for Wilson to leave and then grab my shirt and put it back on and come in here and write down what I have written today starting at I tried. House is knocking on the door.

"Cuddy, are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"What are you doing in there then?"

"I'm calming down."

"Can I come in?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you too."

"It's my house. I'm coming in."

"No!"

He came in and took my Journal again! If you're reading over my

shoulder I hate you and don't want to talk to you anymore.

"Let's go at this in order. You have pictures of me in your sex toy box? That's adorable!"

I'm ignoring you.

"You suck at it. You need me?"

Not anymore. Go away.

"My house. You didn't think I'd say yes if you asked me out?"

Shut up.

"You weren't slutty. You shouldn't have cut yourself."

…

"You still want to know why I think you should slap me when I'm an ass to you? Especially that big of an ass to make you frozen with fear and cry?"

Fuck you.

"That's next. You thought I'd leave you if you didn't have sex with me? I'm not that shallow. I love you."

Then you wouldn't steal my journal!

"I'm sorry. But I like knowing what you think."

IF I WANTED YOU TO KNOW I'D TELL YOU!

"Dr. Nolan really asked if you love me?"

You didn't need to know.

"You wanted to have sex on Christmas?"

Doesn't matter.

"We still could today if you wanted."

No we couldn't. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you. I don't want to have anything to do with you right now! I want to go home.

"Because I read your journal?

"YEAH BECAUSE YOU READ MY JOURNAL! Twice!"

"So what?"

"SO WHAT?! I put everything I feel in here. It's private! It would be like me looking at your leg. Yeah I've noticed how you feel when I see it. How hard you try to hide it from me. It makes me feel so exposed, naked. On a level more intimate than I want to be with anyone right now. Or possibly even ever. And you took that privacy away from me."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize how important this was too you."

"It shouldn't matter."

"I know. I'm an ass. I'm sorry."

"I want to go home. Will you drive me? I don't have my car."

"Just stay the night."

Fine. I'll just walk.

"No Cuddy. Stay."

"LET GO OF ME!"

"Why can't you stay?"

Leave me the fuck alone. If you don't let me go I'm breaking up with you. I don't need you telling me what to do.

"But Cuddy…"

"NO!"

"Why didn't you just say that to your father?"

"I… What?! I hate you! I never want to see you again Gregory House! I can't believe you said that!"

I can't believe he did that! Said that to me! I can't stop crying. I want to kill him! And I still love him. It's so confusing. I hate it. I hate him. He forced his hand in my pants! He blamed what my father did to me on me! I hate him.


	16. Chapter 16

1/24/2014

He still wants me back, but I don't know if I can forgive him. I mean he did and said some horrible things. On the other hand I love him and I've been miserable without him now that I've dated him. I don't know what to do.


	17. Chapter 17

2/14/2014

Oh my god! House just showed up at my house! I can't believe him! It's valentine's day! I don't want to see him! He says he's sorry but I don't believe him. He brought flowers. I'm a little concerned about how he figured out my favorite flower.

I let him in… We yelled and screamed at each other for hours, then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. Then he pushed me down and underneath me, and we made love. I was really nervous and he noticed. He was really gentle and made sure I was ok whenever he thought I seemed more nervous than I was before. It was good. I can't believe that we just did that though. I mean we were having a fight! I guess my first time with him will forever be makeup sex.


	18. Chapter 18

3/7/2014

What just happened?!

Thirteen just KISSED me!

Why would… How does… What?!

I didn't even know she liked me! I don't like her! How does that even make since to do? Everyone knows that House and I are together. And I thought she was dating Chase anyways! I didn't even know she was bisexual or whatever she is! I'm so confused!


	19. Chapter 19

4/12/2014

It's official. Everyone knows about what my father did. A particularly bold nurse named Bonnie just confronted me about it. And Michael, the sales rep for one of the medical insurances we accept at the hospital overheard and started questioning me about it. Why can't my business stay my business?!


	20. Chapter 20

5/22/2014

I think I'm pregnant! I haven't told House yet. But he's obviously the father. I hope it's a girl, not that I'd be disappointed if it was a boy. I definitely want to know. I'm so excited!


	21. Chapter 21

6/3/2014

I am definitely pregnant. I hope there are no issues. I mean I'm older and so is House. But even if there is I'll love them anyways. When House found out HE PROPOSED! WE'RE GETTING MARRIED SOON! I can't believe it. I love him so much, but I can't keep this Journal around. I've seen House looking for it a couple times which pisses me off but if I stop using it and hide it maybe he'll give up eventually. I'll leave it too my oldest granddaughter when she turns 18 or maybe 21. Something like that. I hope I'm still around then. I'll put it in a safe in a bank where House can't get to it.

When you read this, will you write how you feel, update on my life, etc? I know it's not like I'll be able to read it or if I can when I'm really old. I just want someone I care about to know. Someone younger. Like a granddaughter.


	22. Chapter 22

4/9/2053

First of all did Grandma really look like that when she was in her 4o's? Because well first of all wow and secondly ew. Why would you keep that in there if you wanted your granddaughter to read it? You're almost naked in that picture! You're still alive. You came to my 18th birthday yesterday and gave me this. You have a daughter, two granddaughters, and a grandson. Your grandson's name is Jake. Your daughters name is Grace. My name is Amanda. I have a girlfriend. I wonder if you ever thought your granddaughter would be a lesbian. I wonder if 40 year old you would care. Then there's Emma. Shes my little sister. She's 16 and so is Jake. They are twins. I know the sketches aren't as good as yours, but they'll do. You lived happily for the past 40 years. You don't divorce Grandpa, but you don't have any more kid's either. You spoiled mom rotten and she spoiled us, until she found out I was a lesbian. She isn't talking to me at the moment. I find it really stupid that the whole world can accept me, but my own mother can't. Continuing on, you are a great grandma. And grandpa is… well he's grandpa and we love him. He just doesn't have much to do with us, and I don't think he had much to do with mom either.

You wanted my reactions too right? Well here they are. When I got the book for my birthday at first I was confused. But you could tell it meant a lot to you. When I opened the book the first thing I thought was "did she give me porn?!" And I was extremely confused. I didn't realize it was you and grandpa. And when I did I had the conflicting thoughts of ew, grandma! and Wow she was very good looking back then.

When I read the first entry I thought that was a little weird to give your granddaughter something about how you feel that way. But I mean you had no intention of me reading it back then. You didn't even know I'd exist… Why did you love grandpa? He was such a jerk to you! And he could still get you to do whatever he wanted you to. Or almost anything at least. Your relationship must have been very exciting and confusing back then.

I was really confused by your 3rd entry with nothing but a drawing of great grandpa and the words 'my father came to visit today…' It seemed ominous especially seems you never told us anything about great grandpa or great grandma. And mom didn't seem to know anything about them either. Now I get why.

Seriously, what is it you liked about him! He made you cry! I was also confused by the part where your pregnancy was bad because you had said that you wanted a baby earlier in that entry never mind the others.

I was mainly confused and horrified throughout your next entry. I cried when I figured out what great grandpa did to you. You were his child! How could he even do something like that? I was starting to get into your life at that point and I kind of felt the emotions you felt, but not to the same extent or for nearly as long. How did you manage to hide something like that from great aunt Julia? I'm so sorry for what he did to you. No one should have to go through that.

I still can't believe he would do that, especially so short of a time after he forced you to abort. But about Grandpa, you slept in the same bed that night?! But you weren't dating!

I found the fact that I read about your dream or your slutty nightgown both embarrassing and inappropriate, but I continued to read anyways. I was the most shocked by what great grandpa did to you, that you cut yourself. Do you still do that by the way? That Grandpa was so scary to you when he was upset that you cut yourself and that he expected you to hit him afterwards. I found it kind of funny when Wilson walked in on you two and Grandpa tried to hide it by saying you were a hooker. I found it really jerkish of him that he took your diary and that he tried to force you to have sex by touching you. And it was a little sad that you had your first time together all thought out and planned to be perfect and then it ended up being make up sex. I think it's weird that I know all this, but I can see why you want someone to know. I'm going to give this back to you tomorrow so that you can know what I thought like you wanted 40 years ago.


	23. Chapter 23

5/3/2057

It took me forever to actually get around to reading this. And yes that's what I looked like, or what I thought I looked like at least. And I wasn't all that confident so I don't think I was seeing more than what was there. I never would have cared that you were a lesbian. Did you know that you're great aunt Julia was pansexual? Your sketches are beautiful Amanda. I'm sorry Grace isn't talking to you, I didn't know that. And your right. I was constantly confused about how I felt about House and how he felt about me. He is a jerk, but I love him regardless.

And I agree that it's weird that you know about all this stuff. I forgot how much of this journal was about sex. About my father… Did you really cry? I didn't want you to cry. I just wanted you to know. I don't know why he would do something like that either. He was just a bad man. It took a lot to hide it from Julia. But I did it. And yes we slept in the same bed and yes I did dream about him and yes I did dress very inappropriately, but we didn't do anything until months later, and we had known each other for our whole adult lives, and I loved him every minute of it, even before we met, even though I knew what he was like. And I agree that he was being a jerk when he tried to sleep with me and that is why I broke up with him that time. But we worked it out. And yes I did cut myself. I was messed up, and probably still am, but I manage.


	24. Chapter 24

10/27/2057

Grandma died last night. I can't believe it! I loved her so much. She was pretty cool. And her life was very interesting. Although I can't believe that she made it to this age. All the stresses in her life. I think I'm going to publish this in her memory, if anyone ever wants to read it. She was an amazing doctor, artist, mom and grandmother.


End file.
